During my time as a therapist, I've worked with so many clients who struggle with people-pleasing and one thing that often comes up is not only how it impacts their ability to form authentic personal connections, but also how it often impacts the way they think about their own self-worth or places undue strain on their relationship with a partner, friend, family-member, or colleague. People-pleasing can be a tricky habit to break and what I find most interesting is that it often isn’t a self-identified symptom when I first meet with a new client (especially the men). Sometimes it comes from, or contributes to, a place of anxiety, depression, anger, resentment, or any other slew of words you’ll hear therapists mention…but ask a few questions and all of a sudden sentences like “yeah, I always make sure everyone else's needs are taken care of first!” start to frequent the session. Understanding its effects and taking steps to overcome it can lead to more fulfilling relationships, both personal and professional, and that is a result often noted by all parties involved.

Erosion of Trust and Authenticity

When you're constantly trying to please others, you may find yourself compromising your values or going along with things that don't align with who you truly are. This can lead to a lack of trust in your relationships, as others may sense that you're not being genuine. Authentic connections are built on honesty and vulnerability. If you're always trying to please others, you may struggle to open up and be yourself, which can hinder the development of deep, meaningful relationships because you aren’t sharing the same level of openness that they are with you - you basically set yourself up to always carry more luggage than them. An authentic relationship is built on two individuals supporting the needs of one another as much as they support themselves, not the needs of one person being ignored consistently to manage the needs of another.

The Impacts of People-Pleasing

Constant Need for Approval and Validation

People-pleasers often seek approval and validation from others because they haven't learned to validate themselves. This constant need for external validation can prevent you from forming authentic connections, as you're always looking outside yourself for validation. It can create a vicious loop where: you feel good because you sacrificed a personal need or boundary of your own for someone else eliciting a positive response, but then you rely on their positive response to validate your worth, reinforcing the belief that your value is dependent on pleasing others.

This loop can be addictive, leading you to continually seek external validation at the expense of your own well-being and authenticity. Over time, this pattern can erode your self-esteem and make it difficult to form genuine connections, as your relationships are based on fulfilling others' expectations rather than being true to yourself. Before you know it, sacrificing yourself becomes the expectation.

Breaking this cycle involves learning to validate yourself and prioritize your own needs and boundaries, even if it sometimes means disappointing others in the short term.

Attracting the Wrong People

Another consequence of people-pleasing is the tendency to attract individuals who may not have your best interests at heart (consciously or unconsciously). When you prioritize pleasing others over being true to yourself, you may inadvertently attract individuals who are drawn to your accommodating nature. These individuals may take advantage of your willingness to please, leading to one-sided or toxic relationships. By focusing on being authentic and setting healthy boundaries, you can begin to attract people who value and respect you for who you truly are, fostering more meaningful and fulfilling connections in your life.

As one of my favorite therapists once told me when I was entering therapy for a relationship on the rocks in my own life: “The easiest way to figure out if you are with the right person is to just be who you want to be for yourself. “If it’s a good match they will still be there, if it’s not - well then it wasn’t a good match. Win-win.”

Recognizing People-Pleasing Tendencies

Signs and Symptoms

Difficulty saying "No"

Fear of conflict

Fear of sharing your feelings

Overcommitting yourself

Seeking constant approval

Putting others' needs before your own

Often not sharing your own desires/needs

Then getting upset when they didn’t mind-read and do that for you

“So what the hell can I do about it, Nick?!”

So glad you asked! That was the first step.

Are there times when you say yes to things you don't want to do? Do you often find yourself seeking approval from others? Is the question “Does anyone else need something done before I do my thing” a question that lives rent free in your head?

Simply recognizing these patterns is an important primary step toward change.

Self-Reflection

Self-Awareness and Self-Acceptance

Take some time to get to know yourself and understand why you feel the need to please others. Accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all, and recognize that you don't need to seek validation from others to be worthy.

Start asking yourself the question: “What am I worried will happen if I took time to do something for myself, or said ‘no’?”

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Learn to say no when something doesn't align with your values or priorities. Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, and don't be afraid to enforce them. This will be scary in the beginning! What will happen?! Well, you’ll have begun to provide this person with a structure and set of guidelines of what is important to you or how you’d like to be treated, and now they get to make their choices and share their thoughts.

In people-pleasing, you are often trying to manage the emotions or reactions of another by only allowing their option to be on the table - not really a recipe for an authentic, healthy interaction. If this is something that scares you, something some clients find helpful is pre-boundary setting statements like:

“Hey, so I’m really trying to work on myself and become a more balanced person in my life. Part of that is me learning how to get better at setting boundaries and listening to my own internal needs so just in case you notice me starting to ask for things like help or space, or saying I can’t go out tonight, that might be what’s going on. I’m always open to talk about it if you need clarification though!”

(This is just an example and I encourage everyone to shift it in whatever way both feels authentic to themselves and feels comfortable.)

Developing Assertiveness Skills

Assertiveness is about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful way - this is not being rude, though it may feel that way initially. Practice assertive communication by using "I" statements and standing up for yourself without being aggressive. “Ex) I’d like to do my own thing tonight, it feels important to me.” This can help you build more authentic relationships based on mutual respect.

Building Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Work on building your self-esteem and self-worth from within. Practice self-care, engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, and surround yourself with supportive people who uplift you. One of the biggest hurdles I run into with new clients is the over-popularized use of the word “self-care” in the pop-psych community to the point that it feels a little cringey to some people.

No, self-care doesn’t need to mean journaling, or yoga, or meditation if that doesn’t click for you - it can mean things like taking yourself out to a movie that only you want to see, playing a videogame, getting your haircut and nails done, or just staying home to binge that new season on Netflix with a pizza if that feels like what would “refill your cup.”

Remember, you are worthy just as you are and your needs are important too.

Seeking Professional Support

People-pleasing can be a barrier to authentic personal connections, but with self-awareness, boundary-setting, and assertiveness, you can overcome this pattern and build more fulfilling relationships. If you're struggling to overcome people-pleasing on your own, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Therapy can provide you with the tools and support you need to break free from people-pleasing habits and work towards building more authentic personal connections.

If you'd like to explore these issues further or need support in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies or exploring relationships that feel unbalanced, feel free to reach out. I'm here to help you on your journey towards a healthier, more balanced, and more authentic you.

Nick Mecca, LPC